Body Image

Much has happened over the last few weeks that I have kept from you…inadvertantly, of course. I haven’t had much time to write and I’ve missed it very much. It keeps me sane. Yes, I’m insinuating that I’m going mad. I meant to. Maybe I am.

Motherhood is lovely. Surreal. I still can’t believe that I’m in charge of this tiny, beautiful baby boy. Sometimes when I’m staring at him, watching his every facial expression change, I think to myself how I barely knew what love was until he came into our lives. My definition seems to have changed and altered my whole world!

The remnants of my pregnancy are leaving me feeling a different way, though. That’s what I want to talk about today–body image.

Mine sucks. It always has, really. I don’t know where this comes from. I just know that I’m rarely happy with the way I look. In fifth grade, I began to notice that when I sat down in a chair, the fat (or skin) on my legs would flail out so I started sitting down with just my tippy toes touching the ground. That way, no one would know how huge I really was. This is absolutely ridiculous, especially because I was a really skinny kid.

In 7th and 8th grade, I dreaded changing in the locker rooms for my basketball games and then later changing again into my cheerleading uniform for the guys game. I would change in the shower most times because I didn’t want anyone to see my love handles that were actually nonexistent. I was probably 85 lbs soaking wet.

These self-conscious feelings never left me and when I arrived in college, much of my research began to be focused around body image. I worked at a gym and tried to stay in shape, but for the most part, I was rarely happy with what I saw in the mirror. After meeting Captain J, I cut myself some slack, I think. He made me feel good about myself and in turn, I wanted to be healthy, to look healthy for him.

I knew getting pregnant would disrupt that. I knew I would stress about gaining too much weight, stretch marks, not being able to workout, et cetera. I felt pretty good during the last nine months, though. It wasn’t until after I had Baby K and looked down to still see a woman who appeared to be about 5 or 6 months preggo that I began to worry again.

My stomach goes down a little every day. And I didn’t expect to be a size four again over night.

But, it’s just…

I’m frustrated! I’m frustrated mostly because I actually was feeling pretty good about myself until I went to the hospital the other day. Two people asked me when I was due. Seriously? Context clues people…I was carrying a diaper bag!

I ended up gaining 31 lbs. I’ve already lost 19 last I checked. It’s nice to see the number going down again. But I still feel pretty gross in all my old clothes and the end isn’t really in sight. My doctor has put me on bed rest- as in don’t get out of bed, don’t have visitors, and don’t you dare exercise orders. I was hoping to at least be able to take walks again. Releasing endorphins is another thing that keeps me sane.

But I can’t do any of that. I feel trapped in this bed.

All I want is to be able to feel good about myself again, but that seems so far away because I’m forbidden to work out. I know this all may seem very petty, shallow even to you. It’s how I’m feeling, though. I’m just so thankful that I have the sweetest, most beautiful baby I’ve ever laid eyes on to show for it.

He makes it all worth it.

And somehow I escaped pregnancy number one with no stretch marks. Miracle! I do love that cocoa butter.

Anyway, I’m just writing this down to vent. I know there’s someone out there reading who deals with similar issues. I could place blame on the media, but I won’t. I’ll take responsibility for my false beliefs about my body and do something to try to change them. The last thing I want to do is teach my child(ren) poor body image.

a birth story

The woman clutches her womb, sending a knowing glance toward her husband. The look tells him, “this is it” and he quickly and efficiently heads to the nursery to grab her Vera Bradley hospital bag, lovingly packed with several onesies that she cannot choose which the babe will wear first. Together, they drive to the hospital and in between contractions, they smile at each other and talk about how excited they are that their lives are about to change forever.

That’s the way I saw Baby K’s birthday going down. Totally did.not.happen.

I started off the day with a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday morning. This was after an eventful Monday spent at the hospital with ridiculously high blood pressure. They eventually sent me home with plans to return the next day to see my regular doctor. After taking my blood pressure a few more times, they collectively decided that inducing would be best. I can’t say that I wasn’t relieved. I was.

They scheduled my induction for the next morning and I drove home with plans of doing homework and spending my last night before motherhood in bed. Captain J decided to go see a doctor about his shoulder since we were already at the hospital. He planned on coming home and taking care of me afterward. As I was spreading the good news to family and friends about our impending miracle, the hospital called. They said, “We think you should come back now.”

EEk! Now? Like as in, turn my car around, walk into the hospital, and have a baby? Oh my gravy.

I said I would be back soon and went home to grab a few things and more importantly, eat! Meanwhile, J is stuck in the hospital with no cell service and I’m frantically redialing his phone over and over to tell him we’re about to be parents.

You know that lovely scenario I mentioned? Well, imagine this one:

Woman grabs belly and looks to her left and her right. No one is at home to take her to the hospital. She must drive herself.

That was more like it. At this point, I had been contracting for over a week with little results. As I drove myself back, I realized my contractions were about 2 min apart. I got in the birthing room after getting a hold of J who rushed up, still in his ACUs. This was it! I settled in for a long day laboring. Periodically, my nurses would come in the room, asking if I was okay and if I needed painkillers. I repeatedly told them I was fine and that now that the baby had turned anterior, I wasn’t feeling the contractions that much. They couldn’t believe it, as the contractions were measuring off the charts. I began to think, maybe I won’t get an epidural.

HA!

An hour later, I was quite whiney and an hour after that, I was desperate. Unfortunately, I had waited too long to tell anyone about my pain and the doc was in surgery with someone else. After a few more hours, he finally came in and I have never been happier to see a middle aged, short, bald man with a syringe in his hand ever before in my life. The epidural was welcoming. I didn’t mind that minor poke in my spine after what I had just gone through. Anyway, the epidural was amazing. It truly allowed me to enjoy the birth of Baby K.

For the rest of the day, I laid around playing words with friends on my phone and cracking jokes with my loving husband. When “YaYa” and “Aunt Paige” arrived at the hospital around midnight, there was still no baby. I broke the news to them that I wasn’t even dilated a solid 4cm yet. To say I was discouraged after 12 hours, is an understatement. We visited with them awhile then the nurse wanted to check me again. They left the room thinking I was at 4 and they re-entered hearing the nurse yell, “We need to break down the bed!”

I was fully dilated to 10 cm and fully effaced. She asked me to push a little and quickly told me to stop. They called the doctor and all of the sudden, I’m supposed to know how to push a human being out of me. Craziness. Obviously, I figured it out 😉 Delivery  didn’t go as I expected either. It was all so fast.

Monitoring the baby’s heartbeat told them that it was dropping quickly. I didn’t understand what was going on at first until I started listening to the sound waves and only heard my own, slower heartbeat broadcasting. Doc said we had to get the baby out now so I pushed as hard as I could and out came our precious little K. The cord had been wrapped around his neck so when I finally heard him cry seconds later (which felt like minutes later), I was overjoyed! Thinking back now, it makes me cry. I can’t look at him without thinking how he holds my entire life in his tiny little hands.

Baby K weighed in at 6lbs, 8oz and 20.5 inches long- a cute bundle of perfection, if you ask me.

Daddy and Baby K

Reppin’ Ft. Polk!

Look at that face!

When he makes this face, he is allll daddy. 🙂 And how cute is that hat? Special thanks to the reader who sent it- I love it!

No matter how this sweet baby made his way into the world, I’m so so happy he did.

Nice little Saturday.

Hello, blogosphere! It has been a day or two since I graced you with my presence. I’ll be honest…it’s because I haven’t had much positive to say. I’m tired. I’m cranky. I’m achy. And I WANNA HAVE THIS BABY!

But today is Saturday, a new day.

I’m going to do my darndest to have a good day. Here’s what’s going on around our place this morning:

There’s lots of trying to sweet talk Baby K right out.

(It’s not working).

Captain J and I woke up early this morning and went for a walk around the neighborhood. This big fat cow pregnant lady walked half a mile and I’m slightly embarrassed that I’m proud of that. 😉

Soon after we were sitting in front of the t.v. enjoying an egg sandwich and watching House Hunters International.

Nice little Saturday.

What are you up to today? Link up at Loves of Life!

little things

Little things make me smile. They have to.

It’s 105 degrees in these parts for most of the day (and my doctor is telling me to walk to induce! ha Easy for her to say.) and I rarely venture outside. I play with our k9 friends for a bit. I check the mail. If I’m feeling really frisky, I’ll walk down the short driveway and retrieve the trash cans. This is the extent of my leaving our nicely air conditioned casa.

This means I have to find happiness in the little things…

Like lime flavored popsicles:

And when my husband is preparing his helmet thing-a-majig for jumping out of airplanes while simultaneously eating said popsicle and being totally engrossed in one of the Harry Potter movies:

And random, odd text messages from my brother:

Yes, it’s the small stuff that gets me through my day.

Otherwise, I’d be going absolutely insane with contractions one hour-

and absolutely nothing the next.

Such a tease.

I hope this baby turns around soon. Back pain is for the birds.

What little things made you smile today?

(P.S. Captain J jumped out of an airplane today and lived. That made me smile, too. Don’t they know they shouldn’t let soon-to-be dads in warzones or throwing themselves out of airplanes? It’s just not kosher with Mama!)

So, I wait.

“There is time enough for everything. Take it easy.” ~ Eleanor Kirk

One might say I’ve adopted this mantra as of late or at least I’ve attempted to. My existence has become a waiting game. How strange it feels to be on the cusp of motherhood, a period of time, change, and role replacement that will alter my path forever. Yet, I’m still sitting around, staring at my ever-growing middle and wondering how this will all work out.

Is there really a 7lb, bouncing baby boy inside me? Am I really to be trusted with this new life? He has been mine for nine long months, how will I learn to share him now?

These are just a few questions that float freely through my mind throughout the day. My life is about to change forever and it’s no little thing. Anticipation. Excitement. Fear.

I told a friend earlier today that the end of this pregnancy has felt much like the end of a deployment. It is by far the most excruciating part emotionally. If you aren’t accustomed to military life, then I’ll let you glimpse it for a moment…

Wives, mothers, sisters, brothers- none of us know exactly when our soldier will be home. We hear various rumors and are often pushed to our limits being told, “The plane should pick them up tomorrow” only to hear the same the next day. What you may not know is that there are several plane rides that eventually bring the service member home. Layovers are days or weeks long and all we can do is wait. All we can do is think about that meeting, eyes finding one another, that first touch that makes everything right with the world again.

I feel much like that now.

Good things come to those who wait, though. I might just have a little bit more wait in me than I thought. I suppose I have the U.S. Army to thank for that.

I waited a whole year to take this homecoming picture. One entire year on the man I love.

Surely, I’ll make it a couple more weeks on my sweet baby to decide to make his way into my arms. So, I wait.

Our Sunday Scene

I did not think today was going to be a very good day. I was up until 3am with some pretty powerful contractions. Two to three every hour and then nothing. I was able to sleep for awhile after that.

My alarm woke me up around 7 so I could get ready for the early service at church. I thought I’d snap a photo before we headed out the door since I rarely put on real clothes anymore-

I would get dressed…really, I would! But nothing fits. I’m huge.

Church was nice. I enjoyed the sermon a lot. The pastor spoke of small changes likening them to mustard seeds and how God uses our seemingly miniscule actions in a huge way. He even provided a nice little segway for Mob Week on AMC (starting tomorrow!!) albeit inadvertently, I’m sure. Still, Mrs. K appreciated it! 😉

All throughout church, I was quite uncomfortable physically~ Out of breath, contracting, and trying to act like there’s not a seven pound human being in my tummy. It can be exhausting.

We got home and I went back to bed.

Then, I cleaned the kitchen.

I know, I know. My life is uber exciting to you.

I suppose the highlight of my day was finally having enough extra money to purchase a dryer. We’ve been rockin’ the tiny drying stand so my laundry is backed up as you can imagine. This is all about to change, though- they’re delivering it tomorrow!

On the way home, I had a pregnant lady meltdown. It was sort of like the Walmart Meltdown, but not as bad. Captain J and I were discussing funds to pay for my graduate school, getting a job, et cetera and I flipped out. My heart started beating faster and I couldn’t breathe. I just kept thinking, “I haven’t even had the baby yet and he wants me to drop him off with some stranger all day already!?” “Can I hold him first?” Sheesh. I calmed down, though. I know that’s not what he meant. I just want my Baby K. I want to hold him. I want to see that he’s healthy. I just want him.

To combat my pregnancy craziness, I scrapbooked! This activity always calms me.

Meanwhile, I think J had to get out of the house…away from me, probably. He’s relaxing in the hammock with a good book.

And there you have it, the misadventures of Mrs. K and Captain J- Sunday Edition.

Perhaps next time I’ll have some more exciting material.

XOXO,

Mrs. K

My Taste of L&D

The question remains: Why have I not written my research paper for this course? It’s due when Baby K is due. I just can’t seem to find the motivation. The last few days have been a little rough. Yesterday, I woke up to a very still baby, something that is strange for us. I chugged cold water and a fruit smoothie hoping that would wake up my little mover and shaker so I’d know he was doing okay. After a couple of hours of very limited movement, I began to get worried. Luckily, he started kicking again and I figured he was just fine. I slept a lot yesterday because my body was aching quite a bit and I wanted the escape. Early this morning I woke up to intense back pain and some contractions. I didn’t think much of it–I just thought it was probably something I was going to have to deal with for the next few weeks. After stories began flooding in about back labor and how the symptoms can be disguised as regular ole back pain, I got worried again.

I think I better get used to this extra worry. I’m going to be a mom soon and I have a feeling this will never leave me.

Anyway, I gave the hospital a ring and they told me that I had better come in.

Fantastic.

I was convinced it was nothing and I was just being a wimp so I felt really dumb going in, but in I went. After an ultrasound and a couple of tests, they confirmed that I wasn’t actually in labor. I was dilated about 1-2 cm, but nothing to keep me around the hospital for. They just wanted to monitor Baby K awhile and make sure he was doing okay.

I was correct in that I was having back labor, though. The baby is faced the wrong way so I fear labor might be harder on me (and longer) from what I’ve read. Oh, well…any way I can get my little man into this world that is safe for him is exactly what I want.

The good news is that the doctor said it was unlikely that I would make it to 40 weeks. We’ll see, though! We briefly discussed induction since the baby is looking great and ready to come out anytime. They don’t think I will need to do that, though.

My little taste of Labor and Delivery made me a little nervous. You watch movies and you think you know when you’ll be in labor because the pain is so drastic, but from what the doctor told me, that isn’t so. He encouraged me to come in any time I’m feeling constant pain in my back that way. In fact, he said someone just this morning had her baby at home because she thought it was merely a back ache. I think I’ll avoid that if at all possible.

My nerves were shot afterwards. I’ve probably mentioned before that I need a Va*li*um just to pull in the parking lot of the doctor’s office (You’re probably wondering why I put those stars in that word? Truth is, I don’t know. That’s what the cool bloggers do and I’m trying to fit in. I assume it’s to ensure that drug companies don’t start sending all kinds of solicitations my way). I’m kidding, by the way, I can’t take pills. They make me crazy (ier). Anyway, I got so nervous during all this commotion, I got dizzy and nearly lost my lunch again. I’ve got to get a grip. Baby K is on his way! He doesn’t need some crazy lady getting a little upset over nothing.

So now I find myself lying around, realizing that soon my son will make his way into the world. I’m so happy about that. I wonder if it will be a week from now or three. Time will tell.

Now, if you could send me some vibes that will aid me in writing a paper that’d be great. Also, I need to get that car seat all ready to go, purchase a dryer, wash baby clothes and sheets, and…a gazillion other things.

But what I wanna do is work on Baby K’s scrapbook and sleep. Lots of it.

Love,

Mama K aka Mrs. K

this week at our house

Today I read the word “manifest” to myself as “mani” “fest”…as in, a party where one might get a manicure. Honestly, it took me sounding out the word (in my head, of course) a whopping three times before I understood. That’s what I’m dealing with right now.

I used to fear I was growing dumber after being out of school for too long, but perhaps now the opposite has occurred- Too much school work is causing me to over think. No, that’s probably not it, either. Either way, my brain is yearning for a break, but I’m only a minute into the first quarter and the ball is in my hands. I can’t stop dribbling down the court and it’s too soon to call a timeout. Coach will yell. This is what I feel like.

I’m tired of writing research papers. I had no idea how much research is involved in my online classes when I signed up. I’m very thankful for the undergrad experience I gained at Tech in that regard, but the graduate program there was a lot less work than this one is! None of this would be much of a problem if there was a decent research library around, but I have already exhausted all of the miniscule psychology section here in small town America.

My first semester back finished up a week or two ago and I’m pleased to announce that my 4.0 is still in tact. The second semester is underway and I’m not sure I’ll be able to say the same after this one. It’s not that my classes are hard, just incredibly time consuming. After getting unpacked, I have literally done nothing. As soon as my house was in order, I took up residency in front of our t.v. and I only move for potty breaks and food. It’s bad. I need someone to kick my butt into gear!

We are enjoying the house now. Captain J went back to work today, but was only there for an hour or two before they sent him home. I hope this trend continues, but I’m guessing he just got lucky because in-processing takes awhile. I went back to the doc today and met with the nurse practitioner there. She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, but I was delighted to hear her say, “If you go into labor now, we won’t stop you.”

Hallelujah!

My feet and hands look like they belong on a 500+ lbs woman.

I can’t wait to see his beautiful face.

I want to not have to sleep with a pillow between my legs anymore.

I can’t wait to see my mom and sister who will be visiting shortly after he is born.

I could list a million reasons why I can’t wait to have our sweet baby in our lives, but I don’t want to drop all those on you at once. Besides, you’ll probably hear all about him, more than you want, after he is born.

Anyway, I’ve got to get back to it…but not before I show you a peak into Baby K’s room:

35 Week Update

Some of my facebook pals wanted a side profile of my big ole bowl full of jelly pregnant belly. Who am I to refuse what the people want? hehe

For those of you who don’t want to see such, this post isn’t for you. Here I am (or should I say- Here we are) at Week 33-

(P.S.- There’s a new poll on the right hand side of the page. Go vote!)

Baby K Update:

How far along? 35 Weeks

How big is baby? According to Baby Center, he is over 18 inches long and tips the scales at a little over five lbs! Basically, he’s the size of a honeydew melon.

Gender? He’s definitely a boy! At the last ultrasound, that was about the only thing I could recognize clearly.

Weight: 143 and man, oh man is it uncomfortable

Symptoms: heartburn, backaches, difficulty breathing

Food Cravings: nothing in particular, but I almost always want to follow up dinner with something sweet!

Sleep: Let’s not go there. You try strapping on an extra 25 pounds and trying to maneuver the big belly over an air mattress for a month. Oh, and in between the tossing and turning, you must somehow get your big butt off the floor to pee every few hours.

Movement: He kicks and flips like crazy. I still think it’s so cool to watch!

Stretch Marks: Not yet.

Belly Button: Never popped out.

What are you looking forward to? I find myself daydreaming about what little Baby K will look like. I can’t wait to hold him. I can’t wait to be able to wear my normal clothes again. Even sooner than that, though- I can’t wait to put his nursery together. So much to do!

And here we are at 35 Weeks:

The End of an Era

Babymoon? What is that and how do I get one?!

This is what I’ve been thinking over the last few months as I perused other soon-to-be mommy blogs.

According to the ever-so-smart Wikipedia, a babymoon means “a vacation taken by a couple that is expecting a baby in order to allow the couple to enjoy a final trip together before the many sleepless nights…”

Yeah, I quit reading right there. I don’t wanna hear about my inevitable loss of sleep before I have to.

Anyway, a drive from duty post to duty post isn’t exactly the destination Mama had in mind. Because the Captain and I have completely depleted our bank account with this move, I knew the idea of our Babymoon was more like a pipe dream.

Then, I remembered Captain J and Mrs. K have fun wherever we go.

So, the babymoon is booked.

We’re headed to the next (bigger) town over next weekend to enjoy a little of this-

or a lot of that! J and I have tickets for the double showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Parts 1&2 and we’re super pumped. We had a big time in Alaska at the last premier and plan to make the most of this monumental event. Go ahead, laugh if you must. I can’t even take your laughter seriously, though if you haven’t read the books. You can’t call yourself a literary lover if you haven’t given them a try. Yeah, I went there.

(Do you even want to be a “literary lover”? I just made that up.)

I’m going off on a tangent now. Forgive me.

Anyway, I’m happy with our short trip down the road and a night in a hotel room (because those have become my home away from home). Baby K just doesn’t know how cool (read: dorky, fun, or exciting) his parents are. Bless his heart.

Who else is excited?