the rough part of motherhood

3 Oct

There were other things I wanted to post about today. Happy things. But all those are on the back burner, replaced by more important things. Like a discussion of motherhood. Excuse my lack of punctuation. I’m just going to type and see what comes out. I need that tonight.

My day was difficult. I know what you might be thinking- “She stays at home, what does she have going on that might be stressful?” I might have said that, too, many moons ago. Now, I know differently. Now, I see that the mother never truly has a break. She can’t. She stays home to spend as much time as she can with her child. She knows every little thing that goes into that child’s mouth. She knows each triumph and set-back in the child’s day. She’s completely absorbed in all things dealing with her child. There’s never a break. Maybe she has a sitter one day, but her mind rarely leaves this small little being that has become her entire world. ‘Is he okay?’ ‘I wonder what he’s doing’ ‘Should I have left more instruction?’ There’s never a break.

There’s never a break if you care…and I do very much. This is precisely why instead of tackling my long list of “To Do” today, I rocked my child. I fed him. I changed him. I held him skin-to-skin and pleaded with God to help me make him feel better. I willed myself not to cry. I cried anyway.

No one talks about the rough part of motherhood.

It’s the single most important role I’ll ever have in my entire life, a role I wouldn’t change for anything in the world. But it is hard. It’s so hard.

Some days are flawlessly, blissfully simple.

But today just wasn’t one of those days.

Today I neglected the 12 page paper I have that is due on Friday. Today the dishes piled up, the laundry backed up, and the dust stayed on the floor. Today I cried more than I laughed. Today I questioned whether I was a good mother or if God really went out on a limb with trusting me with this beautiful child.

There are some days when I honestly feel as if I have this motherhood thing down. But others I feel helpless and incredibly alone when I realize that there’s no one in this town I can turn to. I can’t call my sister and have her here in five mintues (or even five hours) to help me figure this thing out. I can’t hand Baby K over to his YaYa so that she can work her mommy magic. And it breaks my heart when my own mommy magic won’t kick in and help him to feel better.

My heart is so heavy tonight.



9 Responses to “the rough part of motherhood”

  1. carolinanorthw October 3, 2011 at 10:11 pm #

    Kace, it is hard. I know I have talked to you about that time and time again. It’s never easy. You are doing a wonderful job with little man, and I doubt there is a soul out there that disagrees with me. God trusted him with a fabulous wife, mother, and friend. I’m sorry you had such a tough day. Wish I were there to help and give you a big hug. I miss you, my dear friend.



  2. Alyson H. October 3, 2011 at 10:17 pm #

    I have been a mother for 3 years now and I still have those feelings. There will always be good days and bad days. Staying home is very difficult. I did it for two years. Hang in there. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

  3. cloudedpink October 3, 2011 at 10:38 pm #

    Your motherly, God-given instincts were right on target today. No matter how hard it was on you, you did exactly what your heart told you to do. You did the best you absolutely could at each moment of the day for your precious Gift from above. You KNOW that in your heart, even if everything else today made you feel differently. Your sister, your mom, and all of the loving women that have been part of your life have prepared you for today. Don’t forget to lean on Captain J when you can. Sometimes it can be as simple as letting him take over when he gets home, even for 5 minutes, to let you catch your breath…
    I am so proud of you and I felt a catch in my throat as I read your words…remembering how I felt years ago, wondering the same things, doubting myself, wanting my mom & grandmas to tell me I was doing it “right”. I haven’t seen you since you gave birth, but I know you’re a wonderful mommy. Just keep doing what you’re doing… I’ll say an extra prayer for you tonight. I’ll ask for God to wrap His arms around you during these difficult times…

  4. Becca October 4, 2011 at 11:13 am #

    Aw, I LOVE it that you just rocked your tiny little boy in your sweet Momma arms. What a helpless feeling, Love is sometimes! It is different, when you are home with them ALL of the time. There can be an extreme amount of guilt in leaving to spend time by yourself. It gets easier when you start getting SLEEP and when they go from that newborn stage into the infant stage…for us it was about 4-5 months, then it got hard again, then easier at about 9.5 months…A constant, changing tide. I think it has taken me all of this time…10 months worth, to be able to let go and allow myself a break. To stop putting soooo much pressure on to be perfect. My BFF is a working momma, and we are constantly comparing notes (guilt notes, we call them). It seems that either way, us mommas are a guilty bunch 🙂 This time goes by so fast. It will get better, and good for you for following your instincts. You are an awesome mom, and I love hearing about your experiences!

  5. Alana (@mrs_alana_) October 4, 2011 at 11:48 am #

    Hang in there! I wish I had some awesome advice, but you’re a little ahead of me on the baby front. But from what I’ve read, I think all mothers feel that way at times–which unfortunately may not help much. But I don’t think anyone can say that you don’t have anything to worry about because you stay at home. (And if they do, they’re ignorant anyway.) Things will get better though, I know it!

  6. Jenna Lou October 4, 2011 at 4:53 pm #

    you are a fabulous mommy and don;t you ever forget that!!!!!

  7. Shannon October 5, 2011 at 10:20 am #

    I’m just now getting to read this post…
    I will never forget grabbing coffee with you at Barnes & Noble in AK and you reading the fertility book and telling me that you guys were thinking of starting a family. Let me just say, that even before then, you were the EXACT mommy God intended for Baby K. I do know the struggles you are going through..there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t have a moment and grossly display the “ugly cry”. The greatest thing that has helped me is to allow myself those moments and or days. At first I thought I shouldn’t have these weak moments if I was a “good” mother, but now I have come to terms with them and know that they are a part of my “new normal”..and this too shall pass. I read this scripture just about everyday, hope it is an encouragement to you sweet friend: “The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” Luke 18:27 You CAN do this. You ARE the best mother for Baby K. And when you feel like no one else is there to help or care..cry out to HIM! 🙂

  8. Jamie@ HandlingWithGrace October 5, 2011 at 12:26 pm #

    Motherhood IS hard! I love that you wrote that some days are flawlessly, blissfully and some days ARE NOT. So true.

    I just found your blog. I am going to subscribe!


  9. k October 6, 2011 at 5:35 pm #

    I think every mom feels like this once in a while! Trust your instints, you are a fiercly loving mamma and that is one lucky little man!

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