I’m not that girl.

15 Apr

In the spirit of celebration of nearing my 100th post on Confessions of a Snow Bunny, I decided to take a walk down memory lane. I logged into an old blog and immersed myself with the writings of a confused teen. I’ll reveal to you something I wasn’t very aware of myself- I’ve been blogging since 2004. Six years..wow! My entries were more sporadic all those years ago, but I was blogging just the same. Looking back, I see that I was a rambunctious, eager college student with the whole world in front of me yet I was sad somehow. Someone was always disappointing me or I was disappointing myself. In some apsects, I barely know the girl I was reading earlier today and for that, I’m thankful. In other ways, I still see that weirdo that is me shining through. I hope I’ve obtained some of the positive qualities in me and have discarded some of the other no-so-flattering ones. Actually, I know I have.

Are you ready for revelation number 2? Here goes. I used to pretend to be a poet. I could close my eyes and see how differently my life could have turned out if I took that road. I’d probably wear all things hemp and daily wallow in my misery. No doubt I would never have been happy because I only write wrote poetry when I was sad. I definitely don’t write like I used to, but I still like to read my words from years ago and appreciate the path that led me here. I was doing just that when I came across a blog entry of mine from 2005. In it, I found this-

Outside the streets overflow

inside my life-a strange dark hole.

It rains, it pours so quiet and dead

silent rains consume my head.

Rushing it flows-destroying and taking

someone save me, I’m yours for the taking.

Rain, rain, so cold, but essential

me, me, such wasted potential.

Who knew I was so deep? I remember writing this while thinking, “What is my purpose here?” Ya know, I’m not sure I ever figured out that purpose fully, but I’m working on it. God will reveal it in his own time. I can say that I no longer feel like this sad, weepy person that I read earlier today. I’m a new -and dare I say it-more optimistic person than I was in my my college days.

It’s bizarre to me when people say high school or college days are the best in ones life. I disagree. Finding a man who is awesome to me and for me really makes me believe that THESE are the best days of my life.

 

Advertisements

7 Responses to “I’m not that girl.”

  1. Page April 15, 2010 at 1:36 pm #

    I think that the sharing of ourselves may be God’s primary purpose for us. After that, it is how we choose to do that in which we find happiness (or not). If we choose to allow ourselves to be consumed by grief, guilt, depression or other negative feelings, it only serves to take us farther away from our God, and thus, our purpose as well. Right now, for this moment in time, you share yourself through blogging and I find that refreshing and inspiring. Keep em coming!

    • kacysue April 15, 2010 at 11:26 pm #

      Page,I like the way you view this and I so appreciate your kind words and encouragement to keep blogging and sharing. Thank you!

  2. Lance April 15, 2010 at 7:23 pm #

    Kacy,
    I love this idea that “these are the best days”….what a great place to be in life! I am happy for you!! And I believe we all have the potential to grow on this journey through our lives. You are. And what a beautiful realization – to see that, to see where you have come from.

    And the poetry you have written – it really is very deep. So, while it might feel dark, I feel the deeper message here is one of introspection…which is something that I very much think is a good place for us to visit…to look within once in a while…and it very much feels that way for me when I read your words.

    As you approach #100…I wish you much continued growth on this journey. You share a beautiful gift in this place…and I am honored to read your words…

    • kacysue April 15, 2010 at 11:28 pm #

      What a compliment, Lance! Thank you. I feel honored to read yours as well. I enjoy your uplifting and inspiring posts. Keep it up 🙂

  3. Carina the Blogarina April 15, 2010 at 10:32 pm #

    That’s a very nice poem!

    I feel like I’m still “that girl”.. the girl who is constantly disappointed in herself and in honors. I just listed it as one of my worst traits in a post that will be published next week. What made you let go of the demands for yourself and for others?

  4. kacysue April 15, 2010 at 11:38 pm #

    Carina, Thanks for reading and the poem compliment. I was thinking I might sound deep, dark, and twisty. Ha 🙂

    Being “that girl” for me was all about how I viewed life. I was at a point where it just felt like one bad thing after another was happening and I wasn’t handling the pressures of figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, how I fit in in this world, and becoming the person I wanted to be. I guess I finally realized that no one person, nor one accomplishment was going to make me happy–I had to take that into my own hands. I let go of demands from others by starting not to expect much and truly take people at face value. Totally changed my perspective! As for myself, I found specific goals to focus on and achieve. Working on another degree did that for me then other things started to fall into place. I still keep waiting for it all to disappear though as quickly as it came, for some reason. I wish you luck on your journey!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. God in the Yard « Mrs. K and Captain J - September 30, 2010

    […] to write about a certain boy. I was young, in love, and stupid- as these things often go. As you may have already read, I used to try to be a poet. Clearly, I am not. But all those years ago, I sat down and wrote this: […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: