Gone

6 Mar

I roll over and there is emptiness. Nothingness. My soul is void of everything I have come to know. There are no dreams, no hope. There is only a giant weight pressed upon my heart and little else matters. How did I get to this place?

I look back to happier days when there was a loving, seemingly endless presence who easily integrated into my whole being. He was my life. Where is he now?

This is what I woke up to this morning. A terrible, horrible dream that J was gone. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know how. This isn’t the first time I’ve woken up in such a manner. I hate these dreams. It’s as if I’m alive but I’ll never truly be alive again because he’s..just..gone.

I talk a lot about not taking him for granted because I never know when the big, bad Army will swoop down and take him away again. These dreams are just another reminder: enjoy your time with him now.

I stumbled to my feet and into the kitchen for some coffee even though it was entirely too early to be awake on a weekend. I felt better when I began to feel the coffee energizing me for the day. I got out a pan and some tasty ingredients and whipped up a nice breakfast for me and my soldier. I’ll do all I can to make him happy because he is here today and today is all that matters. The future doesn’t exist. Not yet anyway.

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4 Responses to “Gone”

  1. tricia March 7, 2010 at 8:26 pm #

    I can’t even imagine what it feels like to be a soldiers significant other but like you said, you have today with him, tomorrow we don’t know about and its kind of the same with life and the people we have in our lives we don’t know about tomorrow but we have to embrace the very moments we have with them to make the most of them.
    First time here, i know i will love being here. 🙂

  2. kacysue March 8, 2010 at 9:57 am #

    Tricia, I’m glad you stopped by. I love reading your blog!

  3. kiddoak March 8, 2010 at 8:38 pm #

    Hey I know how you feel.. I actually had a dream exactly like this the other night. It was insane and I woke up and just cried cuz .. well deployment is only 2 months through right now 😦 I hope ya know I’m here to talk too and you’re right we have to embrace those moments in the present.. like I am presently listening to Andy sleep on skype while I do my homework! (precious huh?) ❤ KC

  4. Tabitha March 8, 2010 at 8:59 pm #

    Oh, that dream is so scary. I mean, my husband isn’t about to ship off anywhere, so the danger is definitely not as “real” in my situation, but I’ve had that dream where the person you love the most is suddenly gone, for one reason or another, and it is not an easy thing to stomach. You wake up feeling totally drained and fearful, but at the same time relieved and thankful that it’s not real.

    Great post!

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